Wednesday, March 15th, 2017

I woke up earlier today than I usually do. This was due to a requirement for work, so I spent a fair amount of my time worrying about that. I’m discovering that I’m becoming exhausted by simply living my life. Countless days of showering, eating, sleeping, and working that merge together into a life of dull existence. I try to add excitement and joy, but that becomes increasingly difficult when I think about how much longer I have left to live. I’m finding myself distracted by pointless and frivolous tasks that only extend the problem, which mainly involves monotony.

I’m beginning to think that I’m becoming depressed. That thought is frightening to me. I don’t want to rely on drugs that alter my mental state, but I’m expecting this to become my future. My vision is also quickly deteriorating. This may be the result of my continuous use of glasses instead of contact lenses, but I simply can’t afford to get contacts. I’m quickly becoming more and more frightened for my own sanity. I attempt to drown out the sorrow and ideas with music, but the thoughts keep coming back to me after I remove the headphones.

Discovering the issues with my perception are fascinating, yet worrying. I’ve become more entranced with my own writing, but I fear that it will go unnoticed and devolve into a rambling lament from an insane man. I enjoy the process of typing and writing out my thoughts, but the thoughts that end up on the screen are troubling. This phenomenon may pass, but the symptoms have been building for the last few months. These next few years will be stressful, but there is an opportunity for them to become unbearable. I’ll try to work on my mental state as best as I can, but there is only so much I can do.

On a lighter and less disturbing note, there was a bit of relaxation today. I walked a few miles to my old job to pick up my last paycheck, and then proceeded to walk a few miles back. It took two hours and I enjoyed every second of it. All of that exercise was wasted as I made a pizza for myself once I got back to my apartment. My desire to improve myself is constantly challenged by my own gluttony. So much for the improvement thing, but I’m still considerably underweight for my height, so I lie to myself to make myself feel better about my nutritional cheating.

My self-education is going well, as I’ve begun learning about topics like sociology, economics, and philosophy. While I enjoy reading philosophical works and studying social cues, the most interesting new subject has been that of economics. I’m constantly upset because I have no control over the world. I’m young and still have no power to change anything. Through my life, I’ve noticed that the only ones who can change anything are the ones with money, and I’m certain that the economy is truly broken. A handful of people have more money than a third of the world population and for some reason we still trust that money has any true value.

The flaws with capitalism are easily apparent. It is an elitist dysfunctional economy, and even though production levels and GDP’s have never been higher (and will only continue to grow as we automate most jobs in the next 25 years), wages have never increased. This is fundamentally broken, as most of the profits never trickle down to the workers and stay locked at the top. The greed never dissipated with better technology. It only allowed more efficient use of said greed. I truly fear how these companies work towards an artificial intelligence that share these said traits, as they will desperately try to code them in.